These Jeans Lift Your Butt and Your Spirits

I’m pretty sure that the 2nd most traumatic thing to shop for, behind the dreaded swimsuit, is a pair of jeans.

As horrifying as swimwear is to struggle into over underpants and under fluorescent lights, at least this terrifying trip to the dressing room precedes a vacation trip to a beach and/or pool and sun. Horror shifts to happy pretty quick, no matter how bad we think we look, when tropical drinks with umbrellas are involved.

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Up Your Nose With Those Stupid Hose

Apparently, nude hose are trendy. So says the Wall Street Journal here.

WTF?

Millennials never had to deal with hose as part of a mandatory work uniform, back in the stone ages when women of a certain age gingerly jerked LLegs over semi-shaved stems, under Ann Taylor pencil skirts, armed with clear nail polish in our brief case next to the white-out, ready to stop runs in their tracks.

To a person, we hated hose. They were hot. They were hideous. They were required. And they were hard to find in the back of our underwear drawer, cowering in the corner under bodysuits, knowing they couldn’t take another yank without disintegrating. And please. Could anyone ever find a “nude” shade that remotely matched our own? I always felt like my legs looked like hot dogs.

Making matters worse, those dreaded Reeboks were usually pressed into service during long commutes, John Fluevog pumps stowed in our Mandarina Duck knapsacks.

High-tops + hose? Even more horrific.

But hey, what goes around comes around, and designers are sending nude hose down the runways as a form of “nerd chic”, and 20-somethings are snapping up Donna Karan’s “The Nudes” in such numbers they now represent half of their hosiery business and are the brand’s fastest growing segment.

Wolford, maker of my all-time favorite black footless tights, has also gotten into the act with their “Skintones” line that come in more realistic shades that avoid those awful orange tones. “I call these colors ‘new nudes’ because they do the  job of nude without having the “cheerleader leg’ look,” Jenny Altman, marketing consultant and former stylist says.

Apparently, future Queen Kate Middleton has helped crown nylons as chic, and rarely steps out without stepping into them first. Katy Perry and Arianna Grande, queens of summery pop, sport hose to smooth out any imperfections magnified by HD video. Even mere mortals like the rest of us like to wrangle and hide our veins and bruises and age spots in those firming silk tubes. Yesterday’s hot dogs become today’s sausages.

The Wall Street Journals’ Christina Binkley warns that nude hose not sheer enough:

…can create “the “uncanny valley” effect, in which things that appear almost, but not quite, natural make people uncomfortable. In other words, hose shouldn’t make your legs look like prosthesis.

Yeah, I don’t want to look like former RHONY Aviva Drescher, either.

So Millennials, aka suckers, go ahead and try to make nude hose happen. Trust us: if your Twitter boss made you wear them, you’d head to HR faster than I lunged for the pizza bar during my first trip to Google.

And for those of us old enough to know better, and who want to hide their leg imperfections in the most comfortable and stylish way possible?

I have an idea.

They’re called pants.

best nude pants

1. Topshop Palazzo trousers, Topshop. 2. Stella McCartney high-waisted trousers, Farfetch. 3. Michael Kors skinny Samantha pant, Marissa Collections. 4. Mary Katranzou sailor trousers, Moda Operandi. 5. Rachel Comey Westside pant, Shop LesNouvelles. 6. The Row Soroc Trousers, Farfetch. 7. Acne Mello flared pants, Farfetch. 8. Zara Cropped pants, Zara. 9. Drome stretch leggings, Farfetch. 10. JBrand Anja skinny nude jeans, Farfetch.

The Women Behind the Warriors

Last night, the Golden State Warriors won game one of the NBA finals. It’s been 40 years since they’ve won the title — I was 13 and watched every game riveted from the avocado shag rug, two feet from the Zeneth, dad on the couch with his Hamms. Under coach Al Attles’ leadership, Rick Barry, Keith Wilkes and the rest of those Warriors buried the Bullets in four (and played at the Cow Palace, no less). It was magical. Those players were so big and fast and strong and old – at least to me.

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David Letterman: Worldwide Pants Fit Just Right

letterman_dave_young_g

I’m lying in my bed at the Ace Hotel in Portland, watching the last episode of the Late Night With David Letterman.

And my life is flashing before my eyes.

He began his late-night career in 1982. That same year, I began my sophomore college career, commuting on even days in my ’72 VW bug from my childhood home in Fremont to San Jose State, working every odd day as a waitress at Minerva’s and as a shop-girl at The Limited. I would often watch Dave with my mom, both of us so perplexed and amused by his self-deprecation, his interview style that was random and wry and smart and goofy, which gave birth to Larry Bud Melman, Stupid Pet Tricks, Stupid Human Tricks, “Is This Anything”, “Will it Float” and many others. He didn’t fawn over celebrities. He didn’t kiss his network boss’s ass. He didn’t go for the obvious, easy laugh. He was a punk rock comedian.

The New York Time’s T Magazine compiled a great list their favorite on-air moments here, while Vulture posts their favorite Letterman “DIY moments” here - his many segments where he mined the everyday for comedy gold, hijacking real life with low-key stunts like wiring Rupert from the Hello Deli and sending him off to a nearby restaurant to wait on horrified patrons, who received their water glasses with a side of Rupert’s thumbs, or Dave’s fast-food jaunt with Zsa Zsa Gabor above. Many of his live stunts involved fast food; I particularly loved when he manned the drive-through at Taco Bell. He was creating viral videos when “viral” meant certain sickness and before most millennials were even born. He’s produced vaults of content more creative and flat-out funny than 99.9% of “digital content creators.”

He introduced the world to independent and interesting bands and performances, exposing many to their first-ever national TV audience, and exposing us to passionate, stirring sets like the Beastie Boys above circa 1992. I was lucky to see TV On The Radio live during my one and only taping in 2012; It was one of the best nights (well, afternoon since he tapes at 5) of my life. He was a true alternative, and his alternative approach to everything influenced his approach to booking alternative music.

And being obsessed with fashion, I’ve always loved to see what his female guests would wear. Some were nervous, some were scared, some were bored, but all wore their finest out of respect. In Style compiled a list of their favorite fashion moments here. My favorite might be one of the last, when fearless Tina Fey stripped down to her Spanx to let Dave and the rest of men in on what really goes on between those tight dresses and our loose and squishy bodies to keep it all in place.

Dave, I already miss you.  And I wouldn’t dream of limited myself to the Top Ten Reasons why. There are thousands.

xo

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