I remember sitting on my dad’s lap, age 4, letting him know that I’d decided it’d be best for him to take care of any of my reading needs for…the rest of my life. That plan had a lot of problems, and my parents nixed it. Thank god. Because once I learned to read, an obsession entered my life.
Eyewear. Oh do I love eyewear—one of the best accessories on the planet. A good pair of glasses can transform attitude, extend a look, become the look—the options are endless and exciting.
One of my favorites was a pair of glasses I wore in middle school (or jr. high, as it was called back then). A vintage pair of Buddy Holly, soft-rose pink, brushed-aluminum specs. They were fantastic, and, I might add, had no lenses. Yep, I walked through the corridors of school with empty pink frames on my face. The problem was, I didn’t need glasses—never have. Through the years, I concocted stories of blurred vision and seeing double to get appointments at my parents’ optometrist. 20/20 every time. I’d lie and stammer and try and fail the vision tests, but the doctor always saw through it.
So, I bravely went to school in empty frames, loving the attention and freakish attitude they gave me. No one else was doing it. Maybe for good reason.
As I’ve aged, I still have perfect vision, but, the bags under my eyes have grown bigger than the bag I carry on my arm, so I invested in a pair of Cutler & Gross grey cat eyes. I call them my Bag Blockers, and they have light tinted lenses in them to obscure the slightly reddish, sleep-deprived haze of my eyes. And until Dr. Baker can remove my unsightly under-eye problem more permanently, they’ll remain my fake glasses, eventually being promoted to sunglasses.
Which reminds me…ahhh, sunglasses. If I had a mansion, one of my 120 rooms would be a sunglasses library. I buy them often and then hide them in my closet. I love every pair. Some see the light of day, some are retired and remind me of a specific time in my life, some are being saved for that perfect outfit. But I do have an absolute favorite. My go to’s. A pair of super cool Cutler & Gross extreme cat eyes with blue lenses. I’ve worn them for years, and, like me, they show their age. I love them and wince every time I drop them to the ground, quickly praying, Please don’t break, please don’t break.
Miss Paula, on the other hand, is falling apart quicker than I am and actually needs glasses. Bitch. She wears them well and has pairs for all sorts of reasons (she even has a pair for sporting events, I kid you not). A personal favorite of mine are her Bob’s (eyebobs.com). Not many a person can wear them with confidence. They’re ridiculously ridiculous. And they make me giggle whenever she pulls them out.
As luck would have it—no, I still don’t need prescription glasses—Heaven has arrived in my neighborhood. As of today, Sol Moscot has opened their first ever eyeglass shop in Brooklyn. Welcome to the borough, boys…here’s my wallet.