Flip Flop Fail

I don’t envy Jslow, dealing with bikini-body hysteria and all. One of the bonuses of living in San Francisco is that bathing suits are seldom, if ever deployed. Since I am carless, childless and married to a man who doesn’t even own shorts, access to, and ambition for water is just not happening.

With the swimsuit a non-issue, I have my own summer sartorial nemesis: The Flip Flop.

I really, really hate them. I find them especially gruesome on men, but I’ll leave that for another post.

Let me count the ways the flip flop offends.

One: In a city like San Francisco, where all manner of muck lurks on the streets and sidewalks, do you really want to rely on a flimsy layer of rubber to elevate and protect you from god-knows-what? And sorry, platform flop flops are not the solution. They may elevate the foot from the filth, but they fail to elevate the look – just the fashion infraction.

Two: The flip flop “flap-flap slap” is akin to aggressive gum chewing and smacking: horrifying and annoying, drawing still more attention to a very poor footwear choice. Flip flops should be neither seen nor heard.

Three: They’re sloppy and do little to corral the foot into place. Which leads to cleanliness issues (see #1 above.) It’s like the foot knows it’s in a bad way and wants the hell out of that flip flop.

Four: Feet are not a pretty body-part, and flip flops provide zero coverage for an area that needs it most. They’re referred to as “thongs” for a reason. Think of feet as the butt of the lower body, which require support and ample coverage, not a “string bikini” which the flip flop really is. And the pedicure does not help either. You can paint those nails until the cows come home, but the whole “lipstick on a pig” is still, well, lipstick on a pig.

So before you drop your dog in a flip flop, consider these much more flattering, fashionable coverage options. Failing that, boots are always good.

4 Responses

  1. stormi@stormisees.com'

    Unfortunately, people with completely flat feet AND extremely painful bunions (even post-surgery) would find it hard to wear any of these super cute shoes without super pain. Flip flops and dreaded Crocs are some of the few footwear options that make walking bearable for me. I even wear them at home because it hurts to walk barefoot!

    1. Paula

      When I severely stubbed my toe last year and had only 2 pair of shoes that I could walk in (sandals with a wide-toe box and a wide pair of sneakers) I about died; I can’t imagine what you or people with similar foot issues must go through. At least you don’t wear Z-Coils! There is probably a business idea here: cute footwear that is pain-free. Or maybe I take you shopping to try on everything we can to find shoes beyond flops and Crocs. xoxoxo

    2. Paula

      I cant’ believe I forgot this: I bought these nerdy/granny slides from Madewell (will be posting about them this week). The brand is Worishofer, a German geriatric footwear maker that has been adopted by my cool stores. I know, at first glance….anyway, tried on the slides and bought them. Adorable, affordable, and so so so comfortable:

      Seriously, try them.

  2. Pingback : blank stare, blink » Independence Day From the Flip Flop

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