Flip Flop Fail

I don’t envy Jslow, dealing with bikini-body hysteria and all. One of the bonuses of living in San Francisco is that bathing suits are seldom, if ever deployed. Since I am carless, childless and married to a man who doesn’t even own shorts, access to, and ambition for water is just not happening.

With the swimsuit a non-issue, I have my own summer sartorial nemesis: The Flip Flop.

I really, really hate them. I find them especially gruesome on men, but I’ll leave that for another post.

Let me count the ways the flip flop offends.

One: In a city like San Francisco, where all manner of muck lurks on the streets and sidewalks, do you really want to rely on a flimsy layer of rubber to elevate and protect you from god-knows-what? And sorry, platform flop flops are not the solution. They may elevate the foot from the filth, but they fail to elevate the look – just the fashion infraction.

Two: The flip flop “flap-flap slap” is akin to aggressive gum chewing and smacking: horrifying and annoying, drawing still more attention to a very poor footwear choice. Flip flops should be neither seen nor heard.

Three: They’re sloppy and do little to corral the foot into place. Which leads to cleanliness issues (see #1 above.) It’s like the foot knows it’s in a bad way and wants the hell out of that flip flop.

Four: Feet are not a pretty body-part, and flip flops provide zero coverage for an area that needs it most. They’re referred to as “thongs” for a reason. Think of feet as the butt of the lower body, which require support and ample coverage, not a “string bikini” which the flip flop really is. And the pedicure does not help either. You can paint those nails until the cows come home, but the whole “lipstick on a pig” is still, well, lipstick on a pig.

So before you drop your dog in a flip flop, consider these much more flattering, fashionable coverage options. Failing that, boots are always good.