Chanel•o•pausal
To her relief, Paula doesn’t have her period anymore. If I’m honest with myself, I’m scared not to have mine. I fear crossing over into that zone called menopause. It feels like some horrible badge of shame that says YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AND UNDENIABLY OLD AND POSSIBLY EVEN UNATTRACTIVE, USELESS AND DONE. I know viewed from the younger side of the hill I currently stand on, menopause does feel like the end, but once I’m comfortable in my uncomfortable hot-flash, moisture-deprived skin, there’ll be something really liberating about being in the valley headed toward the pasture. Right? When I’m finally walking down that hill, will the clouds part, angels sing and will my husband be waiting on the other side still wanting to have sex with me?
I fondly remember giggling with my friends when our “schedules” synced up and we’d eat salt then sugar then salt again and complain about our parents in our “I’m on my period” hormonal rants. Bloated and bitchy we were “blood sisters”.
I’m realizing that this past weekend, I courageously stepped toward menopause when Paula and my shopping habits synced up, regardless of the 2,000 miles that separates us. Who needs all that salt, sugar and hormones when you can have Chanel and blood-free underpants. I know, nasty, but certainly true. I’d much rather be a Chanel Sister than a Blood Sister any day. That double CC logo will be my badge of freedom from my pimpled, misspent youth.
Like any good sister, listen to Paula’s advice on how to buy Chanel.
And I would add that Chanel, more than any other label, holds its value. Which means you can get a fairly decent return on your splurge if you tire of it and re-sell it on consignment or ebay.
I don’t know about you, but I have no intention of having a misspent second half. So by all means, have a Chanel period. Exclamation point!
Here’s my Chanel journey up to now. Its only just begun.
Wait. We have more thoughts. Keep reading.
Love the little Chanel backpack and jacket. I am supposed to be working but was pleasantly surprised to see you had a new post! Let me give you some pointers re: menopause so you will not be surprised at what your body is doing/not doing when it is deprived of the hormones that you probably had a love-hate relationship with most of your life. First, your metabolism grinds to a halt. You HAVE to exercise or else the pounds will quickly pack on. And that is just to MAINTAIN your current weight. You cannot eat with abandon, if you were like me and could eat most anything before menopause and not gain weight. Eat half as much as you eat per meal and you will be OK. A few spoonfuls of dessert, that’s all. If you don’t, you will end up with the little band of fat around the belly that so many commercials talk about. It is nearly impossible to get rid of, short of fasting for months. I wish someone would have told me about this. I have several wardrobes of different sizes because of this. And hormone replacement therapy is probably a no no. The link to cancer is too dangerous. I therefore have been suffering from hot flashes since 2003, when I had my last period, and my gyno says I will probably always have them. In the winter the windows are open, and my husband sits bundled up in sweats & blankets when we watch TV. I sleep with a fan on my nightstand and can’t fall asleep without it blowing on me, otherwise I am too hot. No one talks about the vaginal dryness that happens with menopause- sex becomes excruciatingly painful. My gyno recommended Crisco or olive oil for lubrication. I wondered what my cleaning woman thought when she saw the Crisco under the bed. But it’s messy & you end up smelling like an Italian restaurant if you use the olive oil. Try Astroglide. When all this happened to me I realized why middle aged men have affairs with younger women- who wants to be with a hot flash complaining dried up old woman? And one more thing that is not often mentioned- I noticed that I got a greyish area above my top lip, not hairs, just a discoloration of the skin which is hard to get rid of. Why doesn’t this happen to men?
So the only thing to do to counteract it all is to shop. I think I will take a trip to Chanel on 57th St and go on a shopping spree this weekend!
Love it! The only Chanel I’ll be having is my Chanel under eye concealer – yay!
This was such a funny article and I can so relate to all of the above mentioned fears. Andrea scared me with her description of menopause. I’m completely terrified now. I will happily experience my horrible PMS, pimples and cravings until they inevitably leave me. I’m now embracing them in fact. Kelly doesn’t. Thanks for making me laugh out loud today! Love those boots! I have to get me a pair! The jacket is amaze too!