I am disgusting. Not a observation. A fact.
I’ve had hives for two weeks. And after my second round of steroids produced a testicle and some chest hair, I learned my hives are a reaction to a parasite that was living inside a delicious oyster I ingested on a Saturday Night that has now settled comfortably inside of me. My body is a house of horrors.
Get me out of here.
The only areas on my body unaffected by the outbreak of hives are my feet, hands, face and head. Scabs cover the rest of me. Including my delicate areas.
Please get me out of here.
If I could scratch myself to death, I would. But with the help of a sedative I foggily get through my days despising my skin, the skin I’m in and the oysters that I used to love.
God, get me out of here.
The only upside to my condition is a massive Mother’s Day payout which started with breakfast in bed, flowers and three bags from Barney’s. Not the usual Mother’s Day, trust me. But I’m not the usual mother anymore. I am now the extraordinary, super-bionic, Hive-a-nator.
And this is my uniform. Up, Up and Away!
1. Proenza Schouler lace-inset dress @ kirnazabete.com, 2. Parasite Eyewear “Vixen” sunglasses @ parasite-eyewear.com, 3. Asherali Knopfer nail ring @ farfetch.com, 4. Proenza Schouler Gladiator sandals @ barneys.com