A Fanny Pack for a Busted Ass

Ladies, ever have one of those weeks? Where there is too much to do, not enough time to do it in, and you’re so tired from trying to do it all that what you actually do is riddled errors and self-doubt, making you want to put your head down and cry like a baby?

For me, it’s all been professionally induced. I feel like I just ran a marathon but at every mile had to drop and do 100 push-ups followed by a five-minute wall-sit. Thinking and typing and calculating and spread-sheeting and talking and more typing and revising has given my brain and body such an intense workout that and I am sore all over. Given that the brain is our largest muscle, it’s no wonder I can barely answer a simple question, like, “which way to the Wharf?”

For Jslow, it’s all been family induced. Living across the country from her parents and siblings has meant long visits by said parents and siblings and the entertaining and scheduling and juggling and shuffling that goes along with that.

Which means we’ve had no time for our beloved blog.

When I’m stuck “in the weeds with work”, I’ll occasionally take a quick check of shopping sites in search of a smile. The other day, while on Kelly Wearstler, I came across this Fanny Pack. Yes, a fanny pack.

Kelly Wearstler fanny pack blankstareblink.com




The fanny pack, which popped up on the round bellies of squares in the 1980s, is the Rodney Dangerfield of hand-bags, the “butt” of many a style joke, that horrendous symbol of the middle-aged tour-bus tourist that descends on our neighbors abroad and screams Ugly American without that Ugly American uttering a single syllable.


I can’t get this bag out of my head. I walk everywhere, and not only would this be practical as hell, but I love it’s rocker-like edge. I dream of donning this bad-boy slung low over a pair of beat-up Levi’s and scuffed boots. Fanny pack? More like Ass-kicking pack.

Still, Jslow ain’t buying it. “The last thing anyone would want to do” she writes, “is to add pounds to our mid-sections.” She does have a point. Also, strapping this on would ruin the line of any jacket tossed over it — adding bulk, thus resulting in a serious silhouette set-back.

What do you think? Has the stress of the past week blown my ability to filter out bad fashion impulses? Or am I onto something here? Should I bring the Fanny Pack back? Or am I smoking crack?

In the meantime, I leave you with this gem from a band called, you guessed it, FannyPack. It happens to be about a true fashion don’t, the “Camel Toe.” We’ll leave that for another time.


6 Responses

  1. kenandamy2@comcast.net'

    First this all has to remain on the HUSH. I love fanny packs I truly do. Actually I love them so much I own 3 of them! Yes you heard me right 3! A cute all black LuluLemon, surfer chick O’Neill beach strip and a butt (no pun intended) ugly REI functional one.

    I would buy that fanny pack in a NY MINUTE. Where can I get it? JSlow can get it for my birthday. HA.

    And I also love mullet’s! I simply cannot wait til that hairstyle comes back around. Sigh.

    JSlow’s sis, Amy

  2. Paula

    Hi Amy! What a pleasant surprise! OK, I think I am going to pull the trigger and buy this bad boy. You can buy it at Kelly Wearstler.com — here is the link: http://www.kellywearstler.com/Collector-Fanny-Pack/R113251001-BLACK,default,pd.html

    Do you wear your packs in lieu of a purse, or in addition to? Have you worn one out to someplace nice? Do you wear the pouch/pack aimed to the front, back or side? I need to know.

    Does Jslow know about this fanny pack stash? Does she own some I don’t know about?

    Anyway, thanks for the thumbs up. Or bums – up!


  3. kenandamy2@comcast.net'

    Im buying the fanny pack too!

    Here is the deal, i wear them low-slung – not tight around the middle. Kind of worn like a loose belt, and sometimes when Im feeling really edgy i wear its along my hip! Whoa there! HOT!

    Ha, I pretty much use them for practical purposes like when i am at the beach or at a sporting event and don’t want my purse but need lipstick and money to buy booze!

    But the one above I would absolutely wear out and my friends would make fun of me! But I don’t care! Its great.

    1. Paula

      Yeah, the low slung “tool belt” vibe seems best. When you wear one that way, does it get in the way when you swing your arms as you walk? I’m a bit of a spaz, worry about that aspect. Please send a photo of you in the Fanny Pack when you get it so we can post. xoxo

  4. aratner@nyc.rr.com'

    Wear it as a cross body bag, front or, more cooler, back. I have a “cool one” by Prada and if I wear it that way it doesn’t add to the middle. Sometimes when I need to walk my dog and don’t want to take a bag I do that.

  5. Paula

    Cross body! That is genius. Very military too. OK, done, I’m getting it. I’m want to wait a few weeks as the spring sales start soon and I’m hoping this goes on sale…or I may lose patience and buy this week. Cross body. LOVE. Thanks so much for this brilliant tip. xo

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