It all starts with the email in my inbox declaring 3rd Grade BEACH PARTY! I know it’s coming — warm weather, exposed body and years of neglect. My kids ask me, “How come you never go swimming with us?” (bad mom, bad mom, bad mom.)
There are reasons. I don’t like to be cold, I don’t want to screw up my hair color, but mostly because I don’t want to squeeze my fleshy flesh into less than a half a yard of fabric. Along with the abundance of flesh, it’s time for the annual deforestation of my nether regions. It’s all just so much work.
I want to participate in life. I want to wear shorts and be in summer. I think I might retire to Bermuda. More fabric means more coverage means a happier mom. Should I book the trip? Flights leave hourly from Vince, Neiman Marcus, Farfetch and Opening Ceremony.