Bathing suits are my nightmare. Even Paula’s The Great Tankini can’t alter my view. But if bathing suits are my nightmare, what are cut-out swimsuits? A perpetual terror? Bless any woman who can wear one. On the wrong woman, that would be me, my fat would be displaced to unsightly yet graphically intriguing proportions. Serious, these horrifying weapons of self-esteem destruction turn the torso into your own personal whack-a-mole game for flesh. No thanks.

And tan lines? Not to worry, I’m leaving the house…like never.

If you’re interested in credits and where to purchase the above suits, contact me directly so I can pinch you with a Caliper.

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