There Is Nothing Sweet About A Muffin Top

It is hard as hell to get back to work after all of that holiday loafing.

It’s even harder to put on pants, especially since I work from home and don’t have any meetings scheduled to take me out of the house.

And so, I’ve been slogging around in various pajama bottoms and ratty leggings, shower optional. I pick lint out of my hair. I layer sweatshirts over stained wife-beaters. I smell like stale bread and Meow Mix.

I can’t summon the will to work. So I do laundry. I sweep the garage. I come back inside and stare at my keyboard, only to head north to my bookmarks and detour to Dlisted and Cute Overload.

I gaze out my window at the growing pile of leaves. I decide to go rake them. I’m still in my pajama bottoms. While bent over a Forceflex bag, I hear my husband from the kitchen window. He motions me over, not wanting to yell. “I can see your muffin-top” he says. Mortified, I hike up my PJs.

Once inside, I wade into my closet and start trying on my jeans. Basically, any pair without Lycra is a no-fly zone as my hips explode over the waistband. I retreat back to my baggy jammies.

Mind you, I’m not over-weight, not even close. But I can no longer deny the fact that I’ve put on roughly ten pounds and feel skinny-fat. And because of my long torso and penchant for wearing everything low-slung, fist-fulls of flab flange out and over the top of my pants. I need tops with mud flaps.

After tossing my tub of Laffy Taffy, I researched tops that have long back hems to “cover my ass” as I get my shit together. Luckily, not only is this cut of shirt readily available, it’s on trend right now. You can find them under different names: Back-dip, Hi-lo, High-Low, and my favorite, “The mullet top”.

So next time I procrastinate with a non-work chore that requires deep bending, my Muffin top will be fashionably dressed.

1: Hache High-low Hem Sweater, Farfetch. 2: Clover Canyon Winter Solstice Hi-Low Top, ScoopNYC. 3: Rag & Bone Mack Hi-Lo Tank, Otteny.com. 4: Iro 3/4 Sleeve Jumper, Houseoffraser. 5: Dondup High-Low top, Farfetch. 6: Stella McCartney Back-Dip sweatshirt, Farfetch.