Up Your Nose With Those Stupid Hose

Apparently, nude hose are trendy. So says the Wall Street Journal here.

WTF?

Millennials never had to deal with hose as part of a mandatory work uniform, back in the stone ages when women of a certain age gingerly jerked LLegs over semi-shaved stems, under Ann Taylor pencil skirts, armed with clear nail polish in our brief case next to the white-out, ready to stop runs in their tracks.

To a person, we hated hose. They were hot. They were hideous. They were required. And they were hard to find in the back of our underwear drawer, cowering in the corner under bodysuits, knowing they couldn’t take another yank without disintegrating. And please. Could anyone ever find a “nude” shade that remotely matched our own? I always felt like my legs looked like hot dogs.

Making matters worse, those dreaded Reeboks were usually pressed into service during long commutes, John Fluevog pumps stowed in our Mandarina Duck knapsacks.

High-tops + hose? Even more horrific.

But hey, what goes around comes around, and designers are sending nude hose down the runways as a form of “nerd chic”, and 20-somethings are snapping up Donna Karan’s “The Nudes” in such numbers they now represent half of their hosiery business and are the brand’s fastest growing segment.

Wolford, maker of my all-time favorite black footless tights, has also gotten into the act with their “Skintones” line that come in more realistic shades that avoid those awful orange tones. “I call these colors ‘new nudes’ because they do the  job of nude without having the “cheerleader leg’ look,” Jenny Altman, marketing consultant and former stylist says.

Apparently, future Queen Kate Middleton has helped crown nylons as chic, and rarely steps out without stepping into them first. Katy Perry and Arianna Grande, queens of summery pop, sport hose to smooth out any imperfections magnified by HD video. Even mere mortals like the rest of us like to wrangle and hide our veins and bruises and age spots in those firming silk tubes. Yesterday’s hot dogs become today’s sausages.

The Wall Street Journals’ Christina Binkley warns that nude hose not sheer enough:

…can create “the “uncanny valley” effect, in which things that appear almost, but not quite, natural make people uncomfortable. In other words, hose shouldn’t make your legs look like prosthesis.

Yeah, I don’t want to look like former RHONY Aviva Drescher, either.

So Millennials, aka suckers, go ahead and try to make nude hose happen. Trust us: if your Twitter boss made you wear them, you’d head to HR faster than I lunged for the pizza bar during my first trip to Google.

And for those of us old enough to know better, and who want to hide their leg imperfections in the most comfortable and stylish way possible?

I have an idea.

They’re called pants.

1. Topshop Palazzo trousers, Topshop. 2. Stella McCartney high-waisted trousers, Farfetch. 3. Michael Kors skinny Samantha pant, Marissa Collections. 4. Mary Katranzou sailor trousers, Moda Operandi. 5. Rachel Comey Westside pant, Shop LesNouvelles. 6. The Row Soroc Trousers, Farfetch. 7. Acne Mello flared pants, Farfetch. 8. Zara Cropped pants, Zara. 9. Drome stretch leggings, Farfetch. 10. JBrand Anja skinny nude jeans, Farfetch.